The following is a copy of the article
Biblical Dating: From “Hi” to “I Do” in a Year by Scott Croft
from the Boundless Webzine (a ministry of Focus on the Family)
Before continuing with this column, please review the preamble included at the beginning of Scott’s first article in this series, “Biblical Dating: An Introduction.”
My hope over the next few columns is to spend some time focusing on fuller answers to some of the more specific questions generated by our outline of biblical dating principles. As is usually the case when reading one of these columns, I’ll try to avoid fully repeating the ideas we’ve discussed in the past, so you’ll be helped by glancing through the rest of the “Biblical Dating” series if you haven’t already done so. If the editors are on their game, links to some or all of those pieces can be found below.
One question that has come up repeatedly — and somewhat passionately — is “why do you suggest that people should be married within a year of starting to date?” I do in fact believe that in the vast majority of circumstances, couples should commit to marriage within a year and should actually get married pretty soon after that. Let’s talk a little more specifically about why I would foolishly provoke the wrath of bloggers and commenters everywhere by making such a statement.
As always, it’s important to remember that we’re talking at this point about possible implications and application of a scriptural principle, and not the principle itself. The thesis of this article is not that if you’re in a relationship, and you hit the year-and-a-day mark without being married, you’re necessarily sinning. I’m about to discuss what I think is wise, and what, according to my study and experience — and building on that of others — I believe to be the best course.
So here’s the big idea: In matters of dating or courtship, I generally recommend that people either get married or break up within a year or so of beginning a dating relationship. Most relevantly — in terms of the type of questions we’ve received on this — I also believe that this recommendation applies with equal force to single men and women in college. I’ve arrived at this conclusion by thinking through a number of the biblical principles we’ve already discussed in this space.
In an earlier column, we discussed that one of our bedrock governing principles in biblical dating — and in how we treat our brothers and sisters in Christ generally — is not to “defraud” our single brothers and sisters by implying a greater level of commitment between us and them than actually exists (see 1 Thess. 4:6). I discuss this principle more fully in “To Kiss or Not to Kiss” and “What Does a Biblical Relationship Look Like?” As a quick refresher, we can “defraud” our brother or sister in a dating context by showing or encouraging a level of intimacy — either emotionally or physically — that the bible seems to reserve for marriage and marriage only. If we act like we’re married before we’ve made that commitment, we’re defrauding (and sinning).
I don’t know whether you’ve noticed this, but people involved in a dating relationship tend to get to know each other better over the course of that relationship. In fact, they are usually really enthusiastic about doing so. We might even say that getting to know one another better and more deeply is (up to a certain limited point, of course) the very purpose of a dating relationship. When two people are dating — especially when it’s going well and two people are really into one another — the desire to spend more and more time together, to know each other better and better, to confide in each other more and more often and exclusively, is overwhelming. As your general comfort level around each other rises, that momentum grows even more.
Now picture, for example, college life. We’ll assume, per another clear principle from Scripture, that both members of our college couple are Christians. On most college campuses, that likely puts the two of you in the same relatively small social circle. Perhaps both of you are active in the same campus ministry, you go to the same church. Over time, maybe you take some of the same classes, live near one another, etc.
In that context, living with the desires I’ve just described, how likely do you think it is that over the course of two or three or four years — some couples date over most of their college years — you will be able to maintain enough emotional discipline and distance to avoid acting emotionally and relationally “married”?
I’ve spoken to numerous “long-dating” couples, in college and beyond, who other than living together, could do little to intertwine their lives any more than they already are. They see each other every day, are with each other’s families every holiday (and often know their partner’s family as well as any son or daughter-in-law does), they travel together, spend most of their non-working (or studying) time together, they daily confide in one another (and maybe only one another), and are without doubt, closer emotionally with one another than with anyone else on the planet.
This is exactly the level of intimacy that is reserved for marriage only, and that dating couples should make every effort to restrain until the appropriate time. Can this level of emotional intimacy happen between people who have been dating for a shorter amount of time? Of course. But the longer a couple dates, the harder it becomes to avoid it.
Scripture calls Christians to “flee” from sexual immorality (1 Cor. 6:18), not to “see how difficult we can make the temptation and still prevail” or to “see how close the line we can get without sinning.” In my view, Scripture teaches clearly that there is to be no romantic physical intimacy outside of marriage. See fuller discussion of these issues and arguments in “Growing in Intimacy” and “Tips for Engagement” and “Physical Intimacy and the Single Man.”
No reasonable person would argue that physical temptation does not increase — a lot — the longer two people date who are attracted to each other and who grow to love each other. Sadly, statistics and anecdotal experience both indicate that even the vast majority of Christian couples who spend time in dating relationships of any length, sin physically.
The longer the relationship, the higher the percentage. Where a relationship is shorter, accountability stronger, and the level of emotional intimacy more responsible, the level of physical temptation, and the likelihood of sin, goes down.
The Bottom Line
To put it simply, “not acting married before you’re married,” perhaps the sum total of the principles we’ve discussed in the rest of these columns, gets exponentially more difficult the longer a pre-marital relationship persists. If, as has been written before in this space, our goal is to move positively toward God-glorifying lives (rather than simply to “walk the line” by attempting to satisfy our fleshly desires as much as possible without sinning), wisdom and godliness would seem to counsel keeping relationships shorter.
Certainly, as God’s people, we don’t want to live in fear and have our lives be primarily defined by avoiding temptation rather than positively seeking after Christ. I’m not suggesting that we do. Still, where particular known areas of temptation exist, it’s not living in fear to be deliberate about taking the wiser course. Continue reading